How to know if he is the one
“How do I know if he is the one?” This is one of the most common questions I get asked from women all around the world. And while I don’t think there is a magic ‘one’ for each of us (I mean, what would happen if someone dated the wrong one? The whole system would be ruined! ;) ), I believe we can use godly wisdom as a guide.
At the risk of embarrassing myself, I’m going to spill the beans on what I’ve learned from dating the wrong kind of guy to marrying the love of my life, and share six questions to help you figure out if he is the one.
Have you ever made a list of the things you wanted in the guy you would marry? I sure have! I wanted to date a man who loved Jesus, had brown hair, and was a worship leader. For real. That was the extent of my list. But somewhere along the way, I compromised on my dear little list and briefly dated a guy who didn’t fit this description at all. This experience only wound up hurting me but it taught me a lot about what I really wanted in the guy I would marry.
So if you’ve been there too and dated ‘the wrong guy’, I just want you to know that I understand. I get the temptation to date any guy just because he likes you back - it’s flattering. You see, I was the girl who thought: ‘maybe if we date, then he will see how important Jesus is to me and want to have a relationship with Jesus for himself’. I was the girl who let butterflies in her stomach rule her decisions. But butterflies aren’t going to sustain a relationship, my friend. Please stop kidding yourself. This brings me to question 1.
1. Does he love Jesus?
I’m not asking you if he went to a christian school or if he sometimes takes his grandma to her church (I’ve fallen for this very statement before!). I’m asking you if he has an authentic relationship with Jesus as his Lord and Saviour.
Here’s the harsh truth. (You ready?) If you are dating a guy who doesn’t love Jesus, you are setting yourself up for failure and a heck of a lot of hurt. He might be a ‘good’ guy but if he isn’t committed to a relationship with Jesus, then you aren’t going in the same direction. The bible has a bit to say about this.
“Don't become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That's not partnership; that's war. Is light best friends with dark?”
- 2 Corinthians 6:14 (MSG)
This kind of relationship is often referred to as being ‘unequally yoked’ - where one person does not follow God and the other does. The thing is that being equally yoked (both having a relationship with Jesus) is for our benefit - it’s how God has designed marriage to be. While it can be difficult waiting for the person who shares the same belief in God as you, it is something God commands us to do, and it is greatly rewarding.
2. Is he committed to personal spiritual growth?
Spiritual growth happens when you commit yourself to knowing God and his Word. So does he spend personal time reading the bible, and in prayer and worship?
3. Does he prioritise church?
Is being in church a priority for him, or would he much rather hang out with his friends, watch Netflix or go for a surf? You do not want to be dragging your boyfriend, fiancé or husband along to church! Choose a guy whose priority is attending church.
4. Who is he surrounded by?
You’ve probably heard the quote ‘you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with’. I’m sure you can think of instances in your own life where you’ve hung around certain negative people and have come to be more like them, or you’ve hung around other people and they’ve encouraged you to be the best version of yourself.
The bible points to our relationships as a source of sharpening and making each other better. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
- Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)
When it comes to the guy you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, think about what his closest friends and greatest influences are like - do they influence him for the worst or do they make each other better?
5. Is he able to admit when he’s wrong and say sorry?
This is a big deal. Being able to self reflect, admit when you’re wrong and apologise to someone you’ve hurt is a sign of great maturity. And it’s key to a healthy relationship!
6. Does he treat others well?
Actions speak louder than words. How does he treat others? I’m not just talking about his friends or family (although that’s the first place to start), but how does he treat strangers or the most vulnerable?
7. Does he have a job or is he studying?
Sorry to get all serious on you, but this is an important one. The man you date needs to be able to support you and your family. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t support your family with an income too (I’m all for that). But he needs to be able to assume responsibility and look after you too.
8. Are you attracted to him?
This may seem like a ridiculous question to ask, but in conversations with some of my friends over the years, they’ve admitted to feeling like they’ve had to date someone just because the guy is interested in them. I’ve even heard friends say they think they should date a guy because he’s told her ‘God told me we’re going to get married’ (this is seriously creepy - guys, please don’t do this!)
My friends have told me they’ve thought ‘maybe he’ll grow on me’. I don’t think I have to explain to you what it feels like to be attracted to someone. But you when you’re physically (and emotionally) attracted to a guy. Please don’t throw yourself into a relationship with someone because you feel obliged to or because you think it’s somehow ‘the right or honourable’ thing to do. Because in the end, if you’re not really into him, then you’re not really respecting him or yourself at all. He deserves someone who’s attracted to him and so do you.
I hope these eight questions have got you thinking about the guy you’re dating or the kind of guy you’d like to marry in the future. Of course, they aren’t hard and fast rules, but a guide to help you navigate finding ‘the one’ with a wisdom.
I’d love to hear your takeaways. Comment and tell me what you look for in a guy.
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